Episode 1: Was it me

Episode 1: Was it me

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Before we start. I just want to say that creating this podcast was a journey on its own.

  • Starting to talk about making one a few years ago
  • Downloading anchor over a month ago and doing nothing and forgetting
  • The way the universe has nudged me over the last few weeks
  • Diving head first
  • Fear set in
  • Pushing through

 

In my 20’s I did the fake it till ya make it thing. I pretended to be confident, but I was desperate for attention. Often lowering myself to be noticed. My self worth was little. Id often compromise myself and beliefs in the effort for people to like me, especially boys. Saying yes when I should have been saying no

Early 20’s

  • Drinking and partying. Almost failing school, cheated on by every boyfriend
  • Toxic relationships, brad and that relationship.
  • Lack of understanding of what real love was
  • How I went crazy, anti depressants, being dead was better then living the life I was living
  • Friends didn’t want to be around us because we fought so much
  • Isolating myself from my family because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say, because I was so determined to make it work and prove them wrong
  • The secret
    • Started telling myself and re wiring my brain by saying, I am better, I deserve better, I will have better.
  • How I left.

More failed relationships

  • Still having to be a different version of myself to feel accepted.
  • Trevor
    • Ignoring the red flags because I so badly wanted to loved
    • Finding the texts
    • The cheating that ended it
  • Cam
    • Same signs, red flags, ignored
    • Caught him on plenty of fish and didn’t do anything, gave benefit of a doubt
    • The disappearing acts
    • The end

When I think about my earlier years. I used to think that something was wrong with me. That it was my fault that I was being treated like this. I was afraid to say how I felt in fear of repercussion. Not just in romantic relationships but also with the people around my like friends and family. I was afraid of being judged.

Id like to say that was the last time I let someone string me along but it wasn’t but every time I didn’t let it last as long and I learned more and more about my worth and what I was and not willing to put up with.

My sons father was another one that I let take advantage and I believed things that I knew in my heart weren’t right. We were never in a real relationship and things were not great during my pregnancy but we have come a long way in the last 5 years. This is one is different for me because like everyone else we met for a reason and that reason is my son Jaden. So I wont speak ill of his father. Things have not always been easy but week by week our parenting relationship grows stronger and stronger. We have cultural differences with me being Canadian and him being Jamaican, but we have come a very long way in our communication skills. I am very lucky there because our co parenting style has always been Jaden first and our feelings about one another put aside. He is a great father to our son, so though this was another challenging relationship under my belt I did get the best thing in the world out of it.

So needless to say I stayed single for a very long time. My son is 4.5 now and I've been single since before I knew I was pregnant. I had finally had enough of being treated poorly. I hit my self worth rock bottom and knew I needed to make some changes. So, I started healing. I dabbled a little in the dating world, but I’d see the red flags very early and it wouldn’t go very far at all before I would end things. I knew I could not compromise myself anymore because every time I did that id loose a piece of myself and that wasn’t my goal. My goal was to find my happiness, put myself together again and live the life I wanted, build my empire and if someone fit into that then wonderful. I finally started to heal and standing in my own power.

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